Let's Catch UP!

Ok, so I've totally neglected my blogs lately.
I suck.
But I do have a good reason - I'm preparing for my 1st vacation in over 2 years. Some of you may think this is no big deal - but when you run the life I do it is a very big deal. Preparing my office for my week long absence makes me wonder if it's even worth all the hassle. I've spent this week trying to convey to a girl who has never worked in an office what it is I do - why what I do is important - and how she must do what I do for me while I am away. Lack of experience aside - she's doing pretty good.
Leaving my house may be another issue. Not only am I leaving it in the hands of my brother - but I'm also counting on him to see to the daily chores I usually perform. Including laundry. Yikes! I had to TEACH him to do laundry!! Mom made me learn at like 13 and here he is damn near 20 and hasn't clue one on where to start. I'm leaving step by step instructions so that my reds stay red and my whites stay white. Laundry fairy - please watch over him and the bleach!
I am also leaving my 3 babies at his mercy. Considering he's a zoology major I'd like to think they are in capable hands - but then this is the kid that likes to toss them in the air like they are Nerf footballs. Hopper takes it pretty well - Scruffy and Tuffy aren't as amused.
Toss in an Avon order that is due to arrive on Friday and I'm really letting my guard down and placing my responsibilities on someone else to handle. While I welcome the break from being the "doer" in all aspects of my life - I'm nervous for the outcome.
Other than that - I'm pretty much packed aside from my daily personal items - got the ac checked out today in the car - get a quick check up from the mechanics at work and by 3 AM on Saturday I should be on I-75 Northbound and down!

P.S. for those faithful followers: no real update on "him." He plans to come by before I leave. He's still shoving money in my hand every chance he gets, buying me gifts he doesn't have to, and doing chores around the house that I'm able to do myself. I'm still not sure how to take him - still playing it cool.

What do we have here?

It never fails to amaze me - deny a man something he takes for granted and all of a sudden he has a new found appreciation.
"He" was in a rather shitty mood with me Friday night. Apparently, he'd had a bad day at work and decided that I was the one to take it out on. Our conversation started out ok - but then the horns popped out and when he realized what an ass he was being we hung up. He didn't call again all weekend.
He called this morning. I didn't answer my phone. Something I NEVER do to him. I'd had a rough morning and didn't feel like talking to him. The dogs had decided to make me late this morning by leaving a nice (smelly) surprise for me under Hopper's blanket. So after getting the kitchen cleaned up I tried to bring them back inside - but they had other ideas. Needless to say, I left Hopper outside for Seth to deal with and I left for work. I was late - but no one came in this morning anyway so no harm done.
Anyway, when I finally called him back I made sure to keep my tone very hard. I figured if he can dish it out he can take it. Then the whole rest of the day I avoided my normal calls to him - and any calls he made to me I kept them very neutral.
Well, don't you know he just called me on the office line - something he never does. He apologized (in his special "I'm a man so I can't just say I'm sorry" way) and asked me if everything was ok with me. I guess he noticed my mood was rather "brisk" this morning. He "claims" he'll be by tomorrow to help me in the yard. He knows I have a lot I would like to do - but they are projects I need another pair of hands for. I told him my brother had already mowed - he said that was ok. He was going to get me a weed wacker and do around my fence for me. There is also an old swing set I would like trashed and he's volunteered to do that for me, too. His plan is to come by tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday - though I know better than to get my hopes up. With his work schedule he never knows how late he's working. I told him I have a hair appointment Wednesday, but that if he wanted to go out with me - it was at the mall - we could grab dinner. He actually sounded up to it.
I was never really good at the playing hard to get. With him - it's kinda easy. And sickishly fun. Especially since I know he needs/wants me about as much as I need/want him. We'll see how this week goes...

Oh WoW!

I have a lot to share this post. I'm not sure where to begin so I'll start with the easiest:

I have another blog. It's a little lighter in subject - more of a "this is what happened today" type blog instead of "this is what's on my mind" type blog. I don't know exactly how many faithful readers I have - how interesting can I possibly be? - but they should check out the other site. Not to mention that I'm hoping more people catch on to this craze - it's quite addictive and yet entertaining!

So, the address to the new one is www.myspace.com/krazykenz

And now for the doozy.

I called "him" last night. Ever since the whole "confession" he's been friendly - but distant. So, I finally mustered up the courage to call and ask if we would ever get back to the way things were. I miss hanging out, I miss the romantic mushy gushy stuff, I miss him. This is pretty much what he said word for word - you people (if ya'll are out there) need to give me some feed back.

Me: Do you think we'll ever get back to the way things were?
Him: I think so. We just need to be cool for a while (his way of saying we need to just be friends).
Me: Well, I just hate how distant we are. I don't know exactly what was said, but from what Kim told me I poured it all out. I won't take back what I said, because it was the truth, but I just hope it hasn't ruined things between us. I didn't want to cause trouble.
Him: Well, it did cause trouble, but it's not your fault. I should have made sure things were wrapped up before we got together. I need to get this divorce finalized - and I've been working on that this week. But you have to know I'm not in a rush to get back in to something serious.
Me: I understand that. And even though I admitted how I felt, I have never expected anything from you. I understand what you are going through and I don't want to make things harder.

Then we kinda drifted on to the subjects of the dogs again. (Which I'm trying to find a home for the two Shih Tzus - if anyone has any ideas.)

So, I'm feeling slightly better about everything. We finally laid it out on the table. And he didn't brush me aside or play it off like a joke. He actually TALKED to me. Which I consider to be a good sign. I said something about feeling awkward - he said he was trying to keep me from feeling that way. Which he's tried. I just miss him so damn much.

What do you think? Is there still hope? I'm going to continue playing it cool. Give him time and space. Let him see that I respect his wishes.

On Your Mark, Get Set, Go!

I'm gearing up for my trip home at the end of the month. It's the first time I've been home in a year, and the first time in 4 years that I am planning on staying for more than 3 days. That may not sound like a such a big deal, but considering the size of my family and the number of friends that have emailed wanting to get together - that makes for a lot of visiting and a lot of catching up!
I don't really think there is anyone who I wouldn't want to see, though there are people I am more excited to see than others. Like, I'm really excited to see some of my old classmates and a few people from my street where I grew up. I'm excited to see some of my family - which won't be difficult because the family reunion is scheduled to take place while I'm there.
But in all this excitement is an ounce of fear.
I have been gone for 4 years. It feels more like 10. I know I've come a long way since then. I may still be the small town girl at heart, but I've definitely been doused with city influence. I know I'm more open minded. I know I am more determined to get what I want. I know that the only person capable of placing limitations on what I achieve in life is myself. I'm not saying that the people back home are so "country" that they won't understand me, or that they are ignorant in any way - some of the wisest people I know are back home - I just fear that I'll come off as an even bigger outsider than I was when I lived there.
You see, I grew up in a majorly religious town. If you didn't go to church you didn't fit in. They didn't care what church you went to - or what you did through the rest of the week - just as long as your butt was in a pew on Sunday morning. My family was Methodist on my dad's side and Church of Christ on my mom's. My dad, however, is the least religious man I know. My mom, while she believes in God, doesn't attend church on a regular basis. For my own reasons, and those that know me well know what those reasons are, I lean more toward my dad's way of thinking. So, needless to say, school was sometimes difficult for me.
I had friends - great friends - religious friends. They knew why I felt the way I did and yet they accepted me. They "prayed" that I would see the light and come to accept Christ, but they never preached to me. They wished me happiness, but then never damned me for not believing as they did. And out of all of the friends I've had over the years, this particular group of girls will always be my best friends, even if we barely keep in touch.
I can't say that the last 4 years have drawn me back to God. Quite the opposite in fact. I don't deny his existence, I just need the proof, and I have yet to see it in my life. I read somewhere that religion is a belief, whether that be in a God, a spirit, fairies or the wind. So, the way I look at it my religion is myself. I know I exist. I know that I am capable of anything. I see the results of my actions and the love that I have for myself and people around me. It may seem a bit self-centered, but it makes sense to me. In all the bull shit that I've been through the only person I knew, without a doubt, that I could count on was myself.
This knowledge is why I am nervous about going home. I believe in this "religion" so intensely that I live by it everyday. And I fear that my family and friends might conceive this confidence as cockiness. Confidence is something I never had a lot of as a kid. I don't intend on going home with guns loaded and blow them all away with my new found sense of worth. Quite the contrary. I want them to reach the realization on their own. And I hope that they are amazed - or at the very least impressed - with what I've accomplished in the last 4 years.
I hope that they see that I am no longer the shy, backward, sad girl that I was. I hope they see the real me. The me that I could only find after leaving home. The me that could only exist where there were no expectations.
I am proud of me. I hope they are, too.

Another One Bites the Dust

It seems like every time I turn around another one of my classmates has either gotten married, had a kid, or gotten divorced. AGGHH! Are we really old enough to be doing those things? Don't get me wrong, I definitely feel like I'm 25, but I'm in no way, shape or form ready for all that "heavy" stuff.
My aunt emailed me this morning to tell me that they were inducing my cousin's labor this morning. My cousin is 2 days younger than me and is having her SECOND kid! What's the rush?
I don't feel that need, and maybe that makes me the odd man, but I look at my life and I see time. Tons of it. And there are so many things I want to experience before I get tied down with family.
These people who run off and marry after only a few months or even a year of dating - do you really know that person well enough to say, "I want to commit the rest of my life to you?" I don't see how you could. Being from a generation where "divorce" was as common as the air we breathed I'd think "kids" my age would be more cautious about the relationships they enter. And yet I see and hear of girls constantly getting pregnant by guys they have no intentions of marrying. Or, worse, marrying them because they feel they have to.
I guess that's why it's easy for me to feel that marriage isn't all that important. The whole sanctity of the ritual has lost its meaning. You can order a divorce over the internet just as easily as you order plane tickets. Celebrities jump from one marriage to the next, President's have affairs with their interns, Joe Schmoe down the street is daddy to half the neighborhood. What has our society come to?
And YET! I am the odd man out because I am 25 - I am not married, engaged, or even dating. I actually get odd looks from people when they ask me if I have any kids and I say no. Like how dare I not have babies, man in my life or not. Excuse me!
I am proud of the fact that at 25 I own my house - by MYSELF - no man to help. I am proud that I've paid for my college education - not my parents. I am proud that I work 50 hours a week and make more money than both my parents put together (as well as my siblings and friends). I think that kicks total ass. And the next person that looks down their nose at me because I am not married with kids - let them be damned.
I have never passed judgment on the "family oriented" people that I've come into contact with. I feel that we all have our lives to live and we must do what we feel is right. So, when I hear of a wedding, pregnancy, or divorce - I give the appropriate acknowledgement - whether I agree with it or not. And all I ask is for the same respect in turn.
As for my friend, I am happy for her recent news. She is a sweet girl - and actually one of the last ones I saw getting married and having kids. I don't know her husband - but they appear to love one another - and I hope that things work out for them.
My cousin - I'm not surprised by her decision to have a family quickly. She's always been a mommy in training. When we were little she dreamt of running a house making tons of babies while I dreamt of running my own business making tons of money. There's nothing wrong with that. She doesn't belittle my decision - I don't belittle hers. We understand that while we came from the same gene pool - we have different goals for ourselves. While many of our family members judge me for my "cool" attitude toward "domestication" she usually comes to my defense.
And I guess we both know that once the right guy comes along - I could be swept down that same road she's already traveled.

Time to Kill...

I have a few minutes to kill before my next round of paperwork comes through. So, here's a quick update to the my wacky world.
My brother is headed to West Palm Beach this weekend for some zoo club get away. That means I have 2 days of solitude. Well, almost. I still have 3 dogs and a bird that will require my attention. But they are easily pacified. What counts is that I won't have to clean up after my brother, entertain my brother, or have to hear my brother. YIPEE!
We're expected to get some serious rain this weekend. Hurricane Dennis is rolling through. He isn't expected to hit our area - but we'll definitely get some outer rain showers. So, "he" is being a saint and mowing my grass for me - while I type this actually. He was going to sneak out of work to go do it before he heads north. I'm not sure if he feels bad for me, or just wants to help me out since I'm helping him out - but either way I appreciate the jester. Mowing isn't a very girlie chore - even though I have no problem doing it.
He may be coming by. I told him my brother was out - so he may come hang out - but then again I won't hold my breath.
Amanda came by the other night. It was the first we've talked since the wedding. Things are cool between us. Both of our angers have simmered down and she even invited me to a cook out this Saturday. I'll probably go - don't want to deny her 2 invites in a month - I will be on the shit list then!
Other then that - my only mission this weekend is to rid my house of the smell of dog. One dog is bad enough - throw 2 more to the mix and you have stink. So I plan to hit Walmart - buy some dog food and human food then stock up on Febreeze! I tried searching the web for suggestions on how to rid the house of smell - no real help. The bad thing is that the new additions like to lay on the couch and bed (I'll have to wash bedding) so everything smells like them. Fortunately, my dog isn't smart enough to figure out how to jump that high.
Should be a relatively calm weekend. Much needed!
I've also decided to take the trip up north at the end of this month. So that means I need to figure out what kind of funds I'll need. I'll also have to set up to have the office covered. I SO NEED A WEEK HOME! Not to mention the 14 hour drive up there, by myself, will do my mind some good!
Paperwork calls!

Wading through the results...

Ok, so I made a mistake on my little get away weekend. In my drunken state, I apparently made a phone call to "him." Seeing as how I blacked out around 1230, I can only go on what my friends have told me. So here's the rough version: I called and pretty much told him that now that he is back in my life I have realized that the feelings I have felt for him are strong ones. I told him that even though we haven't really discussed it, I did love him, and I wished that "he'd get his head out of his ass" and realize that he loved me to.
Damn!
I guess it's true what they say, alcohol is the liquid truth serum. So, Saturday, once I got somewhat alive, I called to apologize. I got his voicemail and wasn't able to talk to him until Tuesday.
The minute he answered I could tell things weren't good. He said we needed to talk. Turns out his less than significant other was over (her mom had a heart attack) while he was listening to the messages I had left (which I guess the drunken one was kinda loud?) and heard everything. He told me that I got him into a shit load of trouble and was going to cost him a lot of money. I apologized. He then goes on to say that I shouldn't worry about it and that it wasn't my fault. Not only does that contradict his statement about getting him in trouble and costing him money, but it also completely avoids the fact that I laid my heart on the line. We finished the conversation with him telling me we need to "play cool and lay low" for a while until things blow over. I took that as a break up.
So we went the whole week without seeing each other and keeping our conversations completely business related. Until Friday.
"He" has 2 dogs that are pretty much like his kids. He's had them since pups and they are spoiled rotten. He's always told me stories and showed me pictures - but I've never met them in person. Well, when the house he had with his LTSO was sold the deal was that the dogs would go with the house. He was moving into a condo that didn't allow pets and they weren't really her dogs anyway. Turns out the family that bought the house decided they didn't want the dogs and told him he needed to come pick them up.
When I had first heard that the dogs were sold I knew how badly he had to feel. I knew how much these dogs meant to him and could imagine the loss he was feeling. I told him he should've told me about it and I would've taken the dogs until he could come up with another option. I guess he kept this in mind, because when he called Friday morning he wanted to know if I was interested in making some extra money.
Saturday, I adopted 2 new dogs, shi su boys. They are adorable. He came over with them and all their stuff (and these dogs had more shit than I did moving in) and was telling me about their eating and sleeping habits. He was polite, even friendly, admired the house and helped me "patch" the fence so that the dogs could go outside, but when he got ready to leave there was no hug, no kiss. He thanked me (genuinely) for helping him, told me that once again I was taking care of him, and told me that on top of the $50 a week he's paying me to have them, he'll help me fix up the house however I need done. I naturally told him that wouldn't be necessary. I don't want his money, I don't want his help (I bought this house on my OWN), I want his love. He said something about how I should feel special - he wouldn't let just anyone take his boys - and I suppose that was his way of saying that my confession of love didn't go entirely unnoticed. But it still left me feeling empty and sad.
He's called several times this weekend. Checking in on the dogs - making sure I haven't had any problems. They really aren't that bad. They are older than my dog - so they sleep a lot. But one of them did pee (damn near a gallon of piss, I swear!) on my new suede couch, and as much as I've scrubbed and Febreezed I can't get that urine smell out. (I've even put dryer sheets in the cushions.) He offered to buy me a new couch. That won't be happening either.
He may be by tomorrow. Since we have the day off, he said something about coming by to see the boys and to do a better job on the fence. If not tomorrow then definitely Tuesday. I just hope that he doesn't continue with his slightly stand offish behavior. I don't want to lose him now that I have him back. And I'm kind of hoping that if he sees how well the boys have taken to me (they follow me around the house) he might soften a little. He did say that now that they are here he has a good excuse to come by. (and he even told the boss that he was having me keep them)
So, tonight I pray to all the gods, spirits, and fairies - please, please, PLEASE don't let me lose him. I need him as much as I want him - and I don't think I deserve any more torture in matters of the heart.