Parents - Can't live with them - Can't live without them

I spent last weekend with my folks. It was the first I'd seen them since June. They stopped in on their way home from Ohio to drop off the pool and to help put it up. It was the longest 2 days of my life. Sadly, we didn't get the thing completed so now I'm looking at another 2 days with them to finish it off. Worst part of all - they will be here over my 3 day holiday weekend.
Why do my parents cause me so much grief? Why am I overcome with dread at the very thought of having to spend any time with them? I'm at the point where just contemplating a weekend with them makes me want to skip town. It shouldn't be that way.
Maybe it's the fact that they think they can still boss me around at 25? Maybe it's their constant pessimistic look at everything in life? Maybe it's the fact that nothing I seem to do is ever good enough, even though it's done with all I have? Maybe it's the fact that in their old age they've become incredibly annoying?
Whatever it is, it eats at the very core of me and sets me in the foulest mood ever. I asked them how long they planned to be here this weekend and they couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to work my entire holiday weekend. Hmmm, let me think on that! Mom wanted to know what it was I wanted to do that was more important. As if that's any of her business.
UGH.
She made a comment last weekend about how she figured I'd follow her to Ft. Myers once they moved there. I asked her why she would think that. She said she thought I'd want to be closer to her. I told her 3 hours apart was too close. And it's true. I don't want to rely on them. I don't want to need them. I don't want them to know what I do. They were involved enough when I was a kid. Now I just want my space to be me and live my life. Yet, they can't seem to understand that. I hate being nasty to them, but they don't get the point any other way. And I have to wonder if they even get the point that way.

Bittersweet

I saw "him" last night for the first time in almost a week. It wasn't a normal night for us in any way. I had a feeling that he'd been chewing on a lot of things where we were concerned. And I was right. We finally talked.
Turns out he's afraid I have the wrong impression of what "we" are. Little does he know that up until last night I had NO impression of what we were. He wanted to stress that after 11 years of being tied down to someone he doesn't want to jump into another relationship any time soon. He doesn't want to have to answer to someone or check in with someone. He wants to just live life and be happy. And he doesn't want me upset or depressed. He doesn't want me thinking that all of his free time will be spent with me. He wants me to go out and date and enjoy life. He told me he was proud of me for grabbing life by the balls - and he didn't want to come in my way. He also stressed that he doesn't want his life outside of work discussed with people he knows. I just let him talk. He went on for about 20 minutes - he's not much for talking so I was glad he poured it all out to me.
We ordered dinner in - and laid in bed just watching tv. Around 10 I left. Driving home I called Leslie and talking to her helped me sort out my feelings so I called him back. I told him that after considering all he said I had to let him know how I felt. I told him that even though I had considered dating again after we broke up the first time, now that he is back in my life I really don't want to date. I told him I cared about him and that for the time being I was happy with how things were between us. I told him that I understand that what he was going through was hard on him and that I was trying to be understanding and let him have his space. But I stressed to him that he is what makes me happy and allows me to enjoy life. I told him that all I want is to have my time with him for as long as he'll allow me to.
He was understanding of that. He was ok with me not wanting to date anyone. He told me he enjoyed our time together and that he appreciated all I had done for him in the last few months. And that as long as I was happy then things were ok. He just wanted to make sure that I was aware that he was being honest and open with me. I told him I knew that, that I appreciated that, and that that was the one thing about our relationship that I really loved. We've always be honest.
So, while I am glad he finally talked to me and told me how he felt, I'm sad that the answer wasn't exactly what I wanted. I know now that I have to keep my "it's no big deal" attitude with him. And yet, something tells me that there is still hope. Maybe it's in his kiss or the way he puts his arms around me - but something tells me that if I'm patient he will eventually fall in love with me. And even if he doesn't, this is by far the most educational, mature and fulfilling relationship I've ever had. And if we don't work out, knowing how good he has been to me and for me, I know that the "one" will be that much better. But I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have to find that out!

MEN!?

The last week has left me in complete confusion. "He" was by last weekend to see me and everything went great. But then I started to get the silent treatment. So, naturally I responded the same way. By the weekend I was completely lost - but it was obvious I'd done something wrong.
Saturday morning I got a call from him. I played it cool - didn't even ask him if he wanted to come by. He knew I was on to his little game and made a point of asking me how I was and what I was up to. Didn't even bother asking about the boys until the end of the conversation. I continued to play it cool and when we hung up he told me that he would talk to me later.
Sunday I never heard from him. So I called. I decided I wasn't going to put up with another week of his bullshit. I got his voicemail - left a message - and never heard back from him. First thing this morning he's calling me. Apologized for not calling back. Turns out one of his friends stopped by and they got trashed. He wanted to know if we could get together tomorrow night. I told him we might be able to do that - if he could tell me why he went a whole week without talking to me.
Apparently, the stories about him and the boys didn't set well with him. But instead of just telling me that he backed off. He was afraid that if people read too much into things there'd be trouble. I don't think he's so much ashamed of us - I think it's more the fact that nothing is final with the ex.
So, here we are once again. I don't know what will happen. I'm still playing it cool and trying to keep a little distance. Make him want me as much as I want him.

Just A Lot of Questions...

I've had a fairly normal weekend. My brother started his new job so I haven't seen too much of him. Yeah! I spent Friday night cleaning house so I wouldn't have to worry so much about that the rest of the weekend. Plus it's much easier to chill when you aren't trying to do it on a week's worth of dirt.
Saturday morning was slow - just lounged around. "He" came by Saturday afternoon. I know he came over for the boys, but he made it obvious he had other "intentions" as well. I'm not complaining - it was great being with him, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder why. Why does he want to see me? Why can't he clearly state what he wants from our relationship? Why haven't things been finalized with the ex? Why is it one minute I don't doubt at all that his feelings are honest but then the very next minute I have to wonder if I'm being used?
Is it my self esteem? Is he really just a player? Do I need to just take what I can and forget about a future of any sort? If I do this will I be passing up my real thing?
I can't help but feel slightly hurt. He called today and before he even said hi he asked how the boys were. Yesterday we talked each other's ears off and today I had to drag info from him. We're supposed to see each other Tuesday, so I asked if maybe we could have dinner. He was very non-committal. Pretty much guaranteed he would see the boys, but couldn't/wouldn't make any promises further than that. So, I played like it was no big deal. But it is.
From this point on - I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn about him, his feelings, or where we're going. I'm keeping his boys - but that's it. No strings attached. No guarantees. No future. No friendly chit chat. He wants to know how they are - they are fine. I don't care what he's done all day or what he did the night before. I don't CARE. Let him see how it feels to be used.
Those of you who do read this thing on a regular basis - please don't ask about him. I need to detoxify myself for a while. Otherwise, we'll have a big issue on our hands we just don't need right now.

Wanna talk about "HIM"?

Several of you have inquired about "him." Up until about 10 minutes ago there wasn't much to say. I've been giving him his space and letting him decide what goes on between us. Things have been friendly - even comfortable - but there has been no indication that he misses time spent with me. We've spoken nearly everyday, but it's small talk.
I called him when I came home from vacation just to let him know I was in safe. I told him I had missed him and that it would be nice to see him. But I didn't insist. We spoke briefly yesterday and he said he'd call me later. But he didn't. And I didn't call to check in with him.
Turns out he came down with a small case of food poisoning. He called this morning to tell me. I know he is away for work right now, so I asked him why he didn't just go home. Here is the kicker - he thought I meant my house! I was floored. He's been over to my place only a small handful of times and when I mention home to him he thinks instantly of my house. Don't ask me where that came from.
We talked a few more minutes then he asked if I'd like to come to the town he's working in. Keep in mind we haven't really been alone since before the birthday fiasco in June. I told him that I could probably arrange that. I asked if I should bring things for tomorrow - he said that was up to me. I probably won't - don't want to push him too far in the wrong direction - but at least he didn't just flat out refuse the idea.
I have to wonder if what Brandon said is true - is it all about the sex? Is that why he hangs around? Brandon seems to think that the only reason a man "his" age would find interest in me would be for sex. Brandon thinks that he has to have someone else on the side. I hate to think that's true - I'm not sure how he could juggle 2 women and an ex on top of work. I would like to think he has more respect for me than that. He obviously knows my feelings and hopes for us are far greater than physical relations. Once again I'm left trusting time will show me the truth.
So I guess I'm going to see him tonight. I'm excited and nervous all at once. Maybe that's how I know it's real - he still gives me butterflies...