Players

I went out last night for Ladies Night. Jess and I haven't gone out in a few weeks so I told her I'd go with her. I love her to death - she's been a good friend and we have fun, but sometimes she frustrates the hell out of me.
She's a pretty girl. I wouldn't say she's gorgeous - she's got a clean look about her - but she does turn heads. I guess it's more the way she carries herself than how she looks. She's had more boyfriends in 21 years than I've had in 25. She's lived with most of them. They've all told her they love her. Several of them STILL call on a regular basis. They've bought her gifts and showered her with attention and affection even when she didn't treat them with the upmost respect.
So we're in this bar, checking out the scene. These two girls walk in. Neither one of them had barely a thread of clothing on. They were heavily made up and their hair was so bleached I was amazed it stuck to their scalp. They were pretty - just incredibly fake. They no more get sat down at the bar and Jess says, "Look at those hoes." Out of any other person I would think nothing of this statement. But coming from Jess - it's the pot calling the kettle black.
Jess knows how to get attention from guys. She flips her ass long hair, she bats her eyes, she giggles and leans in on them. When she walks by them she brushes against them. And don't even get me started on when she dances. She's extremely flirtatious and I have yet to see a guy she won't try to attract. Looks don't matter, race doesn't matter, the size of the wallet doesn't matter (initially). If it's male it's fair game. Including the ones I express an interest in. She reels them in - plays with their mind - takes what she can get from them - then spits them back out. There may be an exchange of phone numbers - but she won't call them. There may be an exchange of "bodily fluids" - but it rarely goes past one night. She will accept whatever forms of bribery they offer to get her heart - but she'll never give anything in return. And mind games are her specialty. She is by my definition a player.
Now with any other person I'd say - so what. That's their game let them play. But Jess is different. She deserves better. She's capable of better. And what gets me is she's BOTHERED by the fact that men only want her to fuck. HELLO! If you advertise the goods that must mean you are selling them. Have respect for yourself and you'll get it in return. I've tried telling her that. I've flat out ignored her for weeks to get my point across. I won't support her behavior. But she still doesn't get it. She realizes she pisses me off - I tell her why she pisses me off - but it's like her ears are turned off or something.
Last night kinda crossed a line though. I started seeing a guy I met through work. His name is Daniel and I find him to be completely intriguing. We don't necessarily have much in common. But there's a physical attraction not to mention he's very quiet about himself and that makes me want to open him up. I've heard that he was once engaged to a girl that totally broke his heart and that because of this he's now wary of girls. Understandable. But I'm no ordinary girl. And I've tried desperately to convince him of this. It's taking time, but I'm hopeful.
Daniel has a friend. David. David is probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. Pure of heart. Driven for success. I have a lot of respect for him and I barely know him. I introduced him to Jess. I figured it would do her good to be with a good guy. I thought it might help Daniel relax if we all went out and had fun together. We've done this a few times. Jess is convinced that Daniel is meant for me. I won't jump that gun just yet, but there is something there. As for David - he's not what she normally dates. She likes the bad boys. The well built bullies. David is nicely built - but he's calm and quiet. He golfs. He's totally into his work. And lately that commitment to work has kept him from calling Jessica. Daniel has been busy with his job also, as have I, so there hasn't been much dating for any of us.
We ran into the boys last night at the bar. Jess spotted them but refused to go chase them down. She said that if David couldn't find time to call her then why should she put herself out there? Good point. But they are guys. Guys don't comprehend that shit. So I went after them. I brought them to where we were. I started conversation. The minute they got over there she was all over David. But then she goes off to start flirting with two other guys she'd been making eyes at all night. What the fuck!? We finally get the two guys we've been wanting to see in the same breathing area as us and she takes off. David played like he didn't care - but I knew it bothered him. Just as she's starting to lose his attention she comes back from the other two guys and starts rubbing up against David. Now if I were him I'd ignore her - but he played along. Soon after the guys leave and the two thugs she'd been flirting with all night come over. By this time I'm so annoyed by her game playing that I tell her I'm ready to go home. I know she didn't want to go - but what could she say? So we leave.
On the way out she asks me why I'm upset. She knows I'm pissed. So I ask her why she did what she did to David. She comes up with some lame ass excuse, which I shoot down, I express my dislike for her ways, and we drive home in silence.
I don't know if David will call her again. I don't know that Daniel will call again. But I do know that girls like Jess make it very difficult for girls like me to get with nice guys like David and Daniel. Guys that have been played by girls like her are so busy licking their wounds the last thing they want is to let another "good girl" get too close.
I hope that one day the players get played. I hope they get so beat down that they never play again. And I hope that I can salvage David and Daniel so that even if I never get my opportunity some other girl will.

Never Thinking When I Should

I got a phone call last night that really sent my head spinning. A friend of mine from "back home" called. The last time we had spoken we'd gotten into a fight over some petty thing I had done that he didn't agree with. Harsh words were exchanged - he hung up on me - a few nasty IMs were passed - and then silence for almost 3 months. Considering we had been talking almost every day for the longest time... it wasn't what either of us expected. But we're both stubborn. And since I'm a thousand miles from him it was easy to let my life here suck me in so that I didn't call to check in with him.
Anyway, he calls. He chews me out for being a bad friend. Which I admitt I was. But I tried to explain to him my reasoning. I'm the type of person who aims to please. I try to make everyone in my life happy with what I'm doing or saying or wearing or dating. I NEVER live for myself. And it just so happened that my fight with my friend came at the same time pressure from work was hitting me - my folks were on my ass - my friends here were showing their true colors - and my personal dating life was going to shit. So when it all broke out I threw my hands up and walked away from all of them. It was so much easier to cut them all off than to try and deal with any of them.
Things are getting better. I have to kind of keep that selfish mentality to hold on to what's left of my sanity. And anyone who wants to be a part of my life will have to accept the fact that I'm done doing for them. It's hard. I feel rotten. But then I think of how they all made me feel for so long and I know that I'm doing the right thing.
As for my friend, he means more to me than he'll ever know. And after talking last night I feel pretty confident in saying that we're going to be ok. My quote of the day supports that.
K

Quote of the day:
"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." --anonymous

Day One

I've kept journals and diaries most of my life. They've been a form of therapy and an open ear when no one else was available. But this will be a playground for my mind to wander. It will be a chance to share my opinion on things going on in my life and in the world. Hopefully, no one takes offense to what I write. It is purely opinion. And like they always say, "Opinions are like assholes - everybody has them." You may learn something from me... I may learn something from you.