Motherhood... and stuff!

One of my good friends from high school just had a baby girl. She's a xanga user and posts pictures of the little one whenever she gets a chance. I have to admit the feelings those pictures evoke are foreign to me - and slightly disturbing.
I've never been one of those girls that dreamt of marrying and having a slew of babies. It just isn't in me. But with age I find those feelings change - slightly. I still don't want kids - but I wonder what it would be like. I'm amazed that girls my age - girls I grew up with -now have kids of their own. And looking at the pictures and hearing the stories that Kelly posts, makes me wonder what it must be like. The responsibility. The pride. The unconditional love. I'm envious and yet I still don't wish it for myself.
Marriage on the other hand IS something I want. I'm not sure why, though. Maybe as a confirmation to myself? Maybe just because I've always felt this half-empty feeling? It's like something is missing - part of me. Of course if I don't date I guess I won't find that potential husband - but that's entirely separate problem in and of itself.
I leave for Ohio in a week. I am so excited - I just hope everything goes as planned, both at work while I'm gone and in Ohio while I'm there. It'll be good to get away. It'll be good to see family and meet girls from the forum. It'll be good to see Kenny on stage. It'll be even better to finally see Chad.

Going Home

I'm going home in a few weeks. It's a spur of the moment trip. I came across opening night tickets for Kenny Chesney - and since he's playing in Dayton I figured I'd kill 3 birds with one stone: see Kenny, go home, have a break from the office. All very much needed and wanted.
The added bonus of going home was getting to see Chad. However, things have changed. Apparently, the idea of actually seeing me doesn't appeal to him as much as the "what if" version of seeing me. I can understand his apprehension - but it doesn't stop it from hurting. The only thing I have going in my favor is he's in Ohio and I'm in Florida so it won't be hard to keep space between us. I still think that things will work themselves out, but at least I know I don't have to put life on hold while I wait for that day to come.
So, now I am in the process of preparing my office for my absence. Funny - it takes 2 weeks to get my office ready for me to be gone 4 days! What does that say about my role here? Can we say, "job security?"

Another Month Gone

Another month has passed with nothing of real importance to report. That seems to be the ongoing theme of my life these days.
Leslie and I went to the Chris Cagle concert. That was cool. He touched my hand and we got to spend a few minutes with his key board player after the show. God, what I wouldn't give to be on the road with a band! Just to travel around and meet new people - to not be stuck in one place with the same people and same reminders of how dull my life is. I am a nomad at heart.
Mom and dad got in last night. We're spending the weekend laying laminate in the living room and kitchen. I am so excited to be rid of that nasty carpet and linoleum. Eventually I'll do the bedrooms - but I wanted to get the 2 worst rooms (and most often seen) done first.
I was supposed to go to Bike Week with Chad. However, he has failed to call and let me know what the plans are. I've already got the office covered - and mom and dad said they'd take Hopper when they leave Sunday, but since he can't communicate with me then that's that. No more games. No more talk.
I've been giving things a lot of thought. As tired as I am of being alone I think I'm going to go at this "single and proud" attitude with full force. I've always toyed with the idea before but was never able to really stick with it, but this time is different. I really can't take any more games. I can't handle any more empty promises. I'm going to focus on my house and my personal well being and screw any guy that tries to change my mind.