Tortured Heart

I have had a few people in my life that have really touched me. They are in my thoughts often even if they are relationships I don't wish to repeat. Doug was one. So was Joshua H. and Anthony. But "HIM" was the big one. (He will remain "Him" to protect his identity.)
Life is so cruel. It comes in and introduces a lonely self-doubting girl to a wonder of a man. It starts to restore her belief in love and the idea that in spite of her shaded past she is capable of finding a normal relationship only to rip that very belief away 3-fold.
Why did my "soul mate" have to be unobtainable? Why do I have to constantly hear what a great person I am only to live this life alone? How can I have been to all the places I've been and met all the people I've met only to be no closer to love than I was at birth? What is it about me that drives them away?
Why, after so many months, does the thought of "him" come rushing at me? All the wounds that have taken so long to heal are suddenly ripped open exposing the tender flesh beneath. My heart aches for "him". And even though I seem strong and indifferent on the outside there are tears behind my mask.
If my "perfect" match is out there and listening - I'm here. I'm waiting.